bury my dread

I once ran away from the god of fear and he chained me to despair

"People living with--not dying from disease"
I didn't want to raise a fuss over my Mother being diagnosed with leukemia. Before any of you panic, this much we know: the leukemia she has is treatable. It was caught "just in time" (Doctor's words) and all Mom needs for now are blood transfusions and meds. Her strain of leukemia is actually curable, it's not like the movies where you die 30 minutes later. I just learned that it actually isn't genetic, which makes sense since we have kept pretty good tabs on family - we have a stronger history of breast cancer than we do leukemia, which our older relatives beat by smoking or drinking themselves to death (hello Filipino-Spanish-Irish-Italian background!).

My Mom is not great at breaking the news to us: she told it to us over a facebook status. Which is... annoying, but that pretty much set the tone for how she wants us to take the news. Mom and I have sat down to talk about it. The bottom line she gives me: live your lives as normally as possible.

When Mom needs assistance, she'll inform us. My Mother has pride issues, but we will respect her right to be allowed to live normally. She has cut back on her working hours (which are thankfully flexible), she even cut back on the jobs she took on. I am looking for a part-time job first to stabilize myself, and to pitch in when needed.

Now, we mean no disrespect to the well-wishers on facebook or anywhere else, but I'll be frank: we love the support, but we strongly dislike the unsolicited advice. We are outwardly polite about it, but we do not welcome it. This is a non-negotiable. We know you mean well, but it would be nice to talk about things that aren't in the vein of "You should be doing this because your Mom is sick". For now, we're following doctor's orders. Mom is cutting back on work (thank goodness for flexi time) and is trying to eat more to get her normal weight back. I will go on with my plans, Mica will do as she usually does. We will assist Mom as much as we can, but we also respect her dignity and right as our Mom to tell us to back off. We will ask for help and advice when we feel we need it. There will be times for that.

While this is just asking it on an internet forum: this stance is not up for discussion or debate. I'm even giving those who strongly disagree with me free reign to talk about it among yourselves and behind my back. But this is, at the end of the day, strictly a family matter.

Our family will not be controlled by worrying about the worst that can happen. We will focus on what can be done now. It's not that we don't care, it's not that we're ungrateful, it's just that it's our life.

Point blank - My Mom is getting treatment, she is NOT dying. There is a huge difference. So please, stop expecting us to act as if she were dying.

(no subject)
From Karen and Paonin--

⇢ Leave me a comment saying "meepmeep." (replace whatever you want in the quotes)
⇢ I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
⇢ Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions (Keeping the strikethrough, up to you if you want to do it.)

Go go anonymous if you must.

(no subject)
It's been an 'I love my job' week, is all.

(no subject)
I daresay.

Declaring yourself as a 'starving artist' is admitting that you are not creative enough to be industrious.

Real Artists admit that dedication to their craft does not make money, and work their way around what little they've got.

So if you make puppy eyes and call yourself starving artist to freeload in front of me, oh dear god, I will have your head on a platter.


Prague: Light Infection
When I first heard their song for the Gintama opening, I remembered L'arc~en~ciel, and the good old days of 90s Japanese rock.

The band's name is Prague. Light Infection is the song they used for Gintama, and it's also doing really well on the Oricon charts. Now I wish they'd hurry up and get an album together!

cause love makes the world go round
Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

A round of umeshuu later
If there's anything I took with me from 2009 - I think it's pretty much coming to terms with my flaws, and fuckery. It's not something to be too proud of, just something to accept. I accept that I'm not perfect. I accept that I have weird tastes in hobbies, and people. But that is my business, and mine alone. I don't expect everyone to agree, but I do expect true friends to take it as it is and even bear with it. I would, because no one is defined by one's flaws alone.

If they don't like it, they can always reschedule time with me alone, sans baggage or flaw or whatever it is that disagrees with them. It comes from my theater training, I think. I know, and accept, that I have a high threshold for personality.

If you've stayed with me this whole time, short of seeing me metaphorically throw myself at an incoming bus, thank you. Really. I have no words to sum up how much that means to me. Also, I love you Ralph'darling.

Also, I don't hate, I ignore.

2009 was out to get me. But nobody's gonna rain on my parade.

So 2010, I'm not ready, but I am waiting.

(no subject)
"What was the highlight of our relationship? when you broke up with me or when I killed you? I'm well aware of my stellar history with guys and no, I don't see fat grandchildren in the offing with Spike. But I don't think that really matters right now. You know, in the midst of all this insanity, a couple of things are actually starting to make sense. And the guy thing? I always feared there was something wrong with me. You know, because I couldn't make it work. But maybe I'm not supposed to."

"Because? okay. I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm going to turn out to be. I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m--or enjoy warm, delicious cookie-me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, last episode

Notes from Sagada
-Our Victory Liner driver is crazy. I was barely able to sleep on the bus. The bus from Baguio to Sagada was actually more comfortable.

-On the bus stop uphill, about 5 hours away from Sagada: I jumped at the chance to have sinigang na bangus for breakfast with steaming hot, purple mountain rice. I wolfed down the bangus, and was about to slurp down the soup when I noticed a moth in the broth. Upon presenting it to the lady at the counter, she peers at it and says, "Ay, parang butterfly!" (Oh! It looks like a butterfly!). No refund, no exchange. Never mind, breakfast was good while it lasted.

-None to weak cellphone signal. So please guys, don't try to call or text me, that's what facebook is for. How I'm to coordinate with the Mutuc Boys (who should be heading up, if not already in town as I type), I have noooo idea. Adventure!

-And again, fresh veggies, strawberries, and yoghurt. Our hotel (Rock Inn, pun intended) has an orange orchard, which means we have fresh orange juice EVERY DAY. Nomnomnomnomming!

-The municipality of Sagada has changed a LOT in 10 years. The roads are much better than before. Not as rustic, and there's your token r&b and rap music in some of the inns, but the community is still friendly. Tourism hasn't destroyed Sagada yet. There is hope.

-We plan to head up to Banaue for a day trip after Christmas.

Question guys: is the local wine worth bringing back? I'm talking their strawberry wine and their attempt at Arabica bean wine. Is it yummy, or does it just make people go blind?

"someday, somebody is gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye"
Aaah, I miss Ren and Doble - they both had me listen to this song. It starts after the first minute spiel.


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