bury my dread

I once ran away from the god of fear and he chained me to despair


"can you keep a secret?"
1
psychoshoujo

For reasons of vanity, and I fear the near future will have bosses and co-workers randomly googling people they know, this livejournal is MOSTLY FRIENDSLOCKED.



You can add me if you are a friend of course, but mutual friendship also means that everything under lock in this journal is CONFIDENTIAL and you respect that confidentiality even after you de-friend me, for whatever reason. If you mis-use or abuse any of the information contained therein, not only will you be "de-friended" but you will also get an earful and a swift kick in someplace sensitive from me.

--

I usually blog about the following:
1) Personal Stuff: Me, My Job(s), Friends, Family, dates, Cat, my high times and low times, etc.
2) Fandoms: TV, anime, video games, movies, books, theatre.
3) Writings: I sometimes write fanfic, sometimes the orig stuff. Very rare nowadays but it's bound to come up.

I'm also moody: sometimes when I go off on RAGErants or emo posts, it's just to get something off my chest. And yes I am guilty of cryptic stuff that makes my readers paranoid.

As this journal is made as highly personal emotional dumping ground, you're better off interacting with me on twitter or tumblr.

(no subject)
1
psychoshoujo
Ayaw ko nang patulan dahil delusyonal ang bruja. I said what needed to be said. I can only reply "K" or "LOL".

Call me unstable but I'm damn proud of being able to speak my mind. MINE, and not someone else's.

I can only laugh loudly at being judged by someone who didn't have the grace to be up front about things.

Then, I shake my head and wonder what the hell happened to someone I used to consider a good friend.

But that is past. I continue to move on. The important things are starting to come up, and that has far better rewards.

on Next to Normal and other delusions
1
psychoshoujo
Mii: Not fair trying to be sane if my delusion looks like Aaron Tveit! I mean, if he asked ME to slit my wrists, I would! MICA, get me Aaron Tveit!

Mica: Not with those pants from 'Rent'.

Mii: I'll accept him pantsless!

Mica: How could I have NOT seen that coming? --;

"you want love but you fear it"
1
psychoshoujo



You want love but you fear it
Your attention's been shifted
You summed up the feeling
With a simple dismissing

What you gonna do? Deceiving,
It ain't you, believe it,
'Cause our love ain't easy
It changes with seasons

Whoa, yeah
Where we going I don't know
So baby won't you let it go?
(Baby won't you let it go?)

You sewed shut the curtains
You closed out the light coming in,
And all your friends you don't want near
You don't want advice, advice to hear

'Cause inside you're working
You're mending what's broken,
'Cause our love ain't easy
It changes with seasons

Ohhhh yeah, where we going I don't know
So baby won't you let it go?
Ohhhh yeah, where we going I don't know
Ohhhh so baby won't you let it go?

Won't you worry
Won't you let it go,
Baby don't worry
Just let it go, let it go

Don't you worry

Won't you let it go,
Baby don't worry
Just let it go let it go

Don't you worry
Won't you let it go,
Baby don't worry
Just let it go, let it go

Don't you worry
Won't you let it go
Baby don't worry
Just let it go, let it go

Don't you worry
Won't you let it go
Baby don't worry
Where we going I don't know

Don't you worry
Won't you let it go
Baby don't worry
So baby won't you let it go?


to the moon and back
1
psychoshoujo
I remember the very first j-karaoke session it was with Kara and Cyds: I was fifteen years old, with some vague idea of Japanese popular music being franchised with the anime and manga I followed. I somehow found myself in a karaoke room at Music21 Jupiter Street with Kara and Cyds. I just remember old L'arc~en~ciel songs being sung, and Luna Sea's 'I For You'. After karaoke, Cyds saw me off with a VHS copy of L'arc~en~ciel's 'Chronicles'.

I couldn't stop playing it. 'Honey' became part of the morning soundtrack.

I moved to Indonesia shortly after that. While in Jakarta, my arrival from school was just in time for MTV Taiwan's Japanese Music countdown. In the wake of the Utada Hikaru and Hamasaki Ayumi phase, the jrock started trickling in. On a whim, I got Luna Sea's 'Period' album on cassette tape. 'I For You', 'Shine', and 'Love Song' were the songs of choice from home to school every day for months. I also remember my Japanese classmate insisting on playing 'Tonight' at a school assembly. You don't have to know Japanese to appreciate it: it brought the house down.

When I got back to Manila for college, I became friends with Kalen by way of Jrock. Just when I thought my jrock wave had ebbed, she got a copy of L'arc~en~ciel's SMILE bundled with a live performance dvd. I remember her playing it, and from the first riff of 'Ready Steady Go' to Hyde strutting out to sing his part, I found myself running to the TV. I dropped to my knees and stared: I was smitten all over again.

I borrowed a copy of a double disc Luna Sea CD from her too, and in addition to the staples I discovered 'Sweetest Coma Again'. Still one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard, and I solemnly swear that when I get back into dancing I will choreograph a striptease to it.

I admit that I'm not as thorough with their discography as I should be, but of all the songs I've heard, it's their songs that mark the more poignant moments of high school and college. I got into L'arc~en~ciel before I moved to Indonesia, Luna Sea played through 11th and 12th grade, and it was back to L'arc~en~ciel and Luna Sea during college, now peppered by Miyavi and whatever else Kalen had on her radio.

I caught L'arc~en~ciel live after I graduated college. When Luna Sea confirmed plans for a world tour, I caved in and made arrangements to see them, at great personal expense (note: mine, not any of Mom's money), after Mom passed on.

So, how about that Luna Sea concert? I have worked with performing arts, hung out with musicians, and I've had my share of concerts, but I have never seen anything like that before. It was like Luna Sea had never taken a break! They were upbeat the whole time, and Ryuichi's fingers seemed to tremble with every note sung. Has it really been twenty years since the band first got together? They were acting as if it were their first major live. I was torn between letting the music wash over me, or watching the trance-like state they were in. They were not just performing FOR us, the audience, it was like they were letting the music go through them to us.

To think, while they took minute breaks between songs, they did not break for a full intermission. Still, the band did not look one bit tired.

I knew they would play 'Storm', and 'Tonight', but hearing them live sent a delicious shiver through me. I was exhausted, sleep-deprived, and had deadlines on hold to go to this concert, but all that was forgotten in the roar of the crowd, with fists pumping in beat to the music. Somehow the music stirred up the teenage fangirl in me again, with the giddiness of someone hopped up on pixie sticks. "KISS ME IN THE STORMY!" I shrieked the second voice to the Engrish lyrics to 'Storm', then "KIMI WA DAKE NO MELODY!" to Tonight.

And yes, it was worth every penny spent, and so much more.

No doubt, that will be the last fanciful whim I'll have for a long time. I allowed the girl to come out in Hong Kong, but I've returned to Manila to take on adulthood.

However limited my Japanese, I owe it to the jrock, especialy L'arc~en~ciel and Luna Sea for easing the difficult transitions of my lifetime.

(no subject)
1
psychoshoujo
Pedro and Mii on making future gimik plans:

[14:52] tarotwatery: pray that isab and I don't get a) raket or b) boyfriends by then :))
[14:52] tarotwatery: either are notoriously possessive ;D
[14:52] peterlorenzana@ymail.com: :))
[14:53] peterlorenzana@ymail.com: well, just don't get possesive boyfriends
[14:53] peterlorenzana@ymail.com: in fact, i encourage you guys to have boyfriends
[14:53] peterlorenzana@ymail.com: coz there is always the possibility that they would have cute/hot female friends

LJ, I just can't seem to quit you.

"not a day goes by"
1
psychoshoujo
Posting here because people actually read stuff, sometimes.

G, I love ya man, but your friends make it sound like you DIED. Go on, live. And let live, for chrissakes. Safe trip.

--

On a lighter note, I have decided that in contending for my exclusive affections, my next significant other should be able to swim with sharks and/or piranhas, and LIVE. Not survive, LIVE. IN ONE PIECE.

That is a surefire way to test his courage, stamina, and tenacity. Because gorram, being with me nowadays is like a scene right out of 'Jaws'. And I prefer to have all body parts in check y'know.

goodbye friend
trust me, i'm a doctor
psychoshoujo
If you were a person, I'd sit you down and buy you coffee...or with this time, a stiff drink. I'd smile awkwardly and pad the conversation with the great times we had and the secrets we shared. As the conversation rises, usually with a giggle of familiarity or the fall of a comfortable silence, I'd clear my throat and go right in--

You see, livejournal, you have been my best friend for ten years.

But you've changed, you have new friends, and I can't entirely trust you anymore. There, I've said it.

Yes it came from her. It probably isn't fair, it's one mistake, I know, but...I'm at this point in my life where I can't afford to be shocked or surprised. I can't afford to take those kinds of risks, knowing what we both know.

And hey, face it, we've pretty much outgrown each other. We don't hang out as often as we used to, though it's great in the few times we've caught up.

So well, it's just time to move on then. We've had awesome memories together, and we'll keep it at that until they wither away with internet Alzheimer's.

Thanks, LJ. It's been swell.

Peace.

(no subject)
think
psychoshoujo
In the last few months, I found the incident that would render me speechless...and not in a good way.

I kind of like that it's like those 3 months didn't happen in this LJ.

But that's past now.

For the most part, I know that it was Mom's time.

I'm just damn scared on what'll happen next.

(no subject)
1
psychoshoujo
Gorrammit, I could use me a TARDIS. And John Barrowman. Now. I mean it. :P

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